Dear Minnesotans:
First of all, congrats on the Twins. They seem to be doing quite well these days. And we’re still sorry about Kirby Puckett, despite all those terrible things we learned about him right before he passed.
Don’t you hate it when your heroes turn out to be, well . . . like Kirby Puckett?
But now I have more bad news for Minnesotans: You’re about to have one less sports team.
As you may know, the fine folks in Los Angeles have been without a team for a number of years. And, quite frankly, this makes no sense to us here on the West Coast (a.k.a., the ones you envy in the winter when you’re wearing six layers of clothing). I mean, L.A. is the SECOND largest market in the country. And while places like Green Bay and Jacksonville have teams, L.A. does not.
This is just not right. So we need you to give us your team.
Now, I know this is not going to endear you any more to L.A. But consider this: The great purple uniforms your Vikings wear — with that little swath of yellow — will provide a perfect match with the Lakers, that other team you lost to the much bigger and better L.A. (To rub it in, L.A. kept the name Lakers even though there are no lakes in L.A. — tee hee).
As fans, though, you shouldn’t blame yourselves. In fact, Vikes fans showed some true grit, roughing out all those games in the cold back when. Back in the days where you’d see photos of Chuck Foreman (above) carrying a ball through a blizzard. Back when the Purple People Eaters looked like dragons with smoke coming out of their mouths. Back when Fran Tarkington scrambled not to get away from defensive lineman, but just so he could keep warm by moving a lot.
You guys were there through all that. And you had some pretty good teams, though ultimately, you couldn’t win the Big One. But that fact that you stuck around shows dedication. And I like that.
Of course, Minnesota voted that crazy, tea bagging Michele Bachman into Congress. And Minnesota legislators are trying to pass an immigration law similar to the Nazi-inspired one in Arizona. You need that law because, what — Canadians are sneaking across the border?
So, on second thought, maybe you guys don’t deserve a team. You guys have no problems watching movies and TV shows made in L.A., right? Now you can watch your Vikings in L.A. as well. Just think of how much cooler the crowds will be:
L.A. Vikings: Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, drunk Courtney Love
Minnesota Vikings: Garrison Keillor , Dr. Demento, drunk Canadians who sneaked across the border
